I don’t care how much you like ass play. No one looks forward to a colonoscopy. The idea of it is spectacularly unpleasant, prompting such an understandably negative reaction that too many people avoid it altogether. However… having just returned from the butt probe battlefield, I can promise you this: the procedure itself is super easy, totally painless, and, thanks to a little drug called Propofol, almost kinda pleasant.
The only real hassle of a colonoscopy is the preparation, which entails a day of fasting and a medically induced “purge” of your digestive system the evening before the procedure. This can happen with tablets or liquid options. My purge was induced by consuming a 4 liter solution of water and GaviLyte-G, which is like a laxative on steroids that draws large amounts of water into the colon, literally flushing the system.
The worst part of the prep is drinking the solution. It doesn’t necessarily taste horrible, but it definitely doesn’t taste amazing. It’s just bleh. Mine came with a lemon flavor packet, which really didn’t help as much as keeping the solution chilled in the fridge. (It goes down better cold.)
I was due for my appointment the next day at 9:00 a.m. (I recommend an early appointment.) After checking in and answering a few triage questions, I was escorted to a room with three other patients, all separated by privacy curtains. I changed into the provided gown and was prepped with the needle that would give me the sleepytime serum for the procedure. After brief and pleasant Q&As with a nurse and the anesthesiologist, I signed a couple of consent forms and met the doctor who would be doing the procedure. He was extremely personable and made me feel quite comfortable. I was ready.
From there, I was wheeled into the operating room, where a different but equally pleasant nurse adjusted me into a sideways position and explained that I’d be going to sleep very quickly. She said something about 20 seconds, but I don’t remember anything past 3.
The next thing I knew, I was being gently awakened by the nurse, who told me it was all done and that everything was fine. She brought me a couple of servings of apple juice to drink and then escorted me to a curtained-off area where my clothes and iPhone awaited me. Once I got dressed, I shot a brief follow-up video for social media. Upon looking at it now, I think I was clearly a little high. Propofol is lovely, and I can understand why Michael Jackson loved it so much. It all just felt like the most wonderful and restful nap.
The doctor came in and explained that the procedure went perfectly. He removed a 4mm polyp, and the results would be ready in a few days. (The results did come in as he said, and I’m all clear.) From my arrival to the time I was finished, it all happened so smoothly and quickly. I was done and ready to go home by 11:30.
When you have a colonoscopy, the hospital or clinic will only release you into the care of a friend or family member to bring you home. My escort was my friend Laurie, who’s always been hilarious but, under the circumstances, was especially funny on the 30 block bus ride to our local diner. Since I hadn’t eaten in nearly 36 hours, I was hungry enough to eat my hand. Instead, I had a stack of pancakes. Considering the fact that I’d just had my first colonoscopy – a crucial health preventative for a middle-aged adult and a step that literally scared the shit out of me – I’d say they were the best pancakes I’d ever had.
If you haven’t had a colonoscopy yet, check with your doctor and get it taken care of. It’s easy. I promise.
All the President’s Men (1976), directed by Alan J. Pakula.
Two hungry rival reporters working for the Washington Post, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, research the botched 1972 burglary of the Democratic Party Headquarters at the Watergate apartment complex. With the help of a mysterious source, code-named Deep Throat, the two reporters uncover the details of a scandal that leads to President Richard Nixon’s resignation.
Starring Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman, Hal Holbrook, Jason Robards, Jack Warden, Martin Balsam, and Jane Alexander.
Live to 100: Secrets of the Blue Zones (2023)
Public speaker, educator, and best-selling author Dan Buettner discovers five unique communities where people live extraordinarily long and vibrant lives. Limited series. Watch on Netflix.
My September 2021 playlist: City Life (Volume One)
Listen on Spotify.
Elsewhere on the web…
I Took Cold Showers for 6 Months. Here Are 5 Ways It Improved My Health.
From increased illness immunity to better stress resilience and decreased inflammation, it’s been a huge health boost. Read at The Robb Report.
Can the T-Shirt Be Perfected?
The founders of Buck Mason think it can — and they bought a sewing factory and a cloth mill in Pennsylvania hoping to prove it. Read at The New York Times.
Assignment: Sinatra (part one of four)
A legendary editor. A recalcitrant writer. And a subject that was both man and myth. Gay Talese’s story behind the writing of what became known as the greatest magazine profile ever. Read at Air Mail.
The Killer | Official Teaser Trailer | Netflix
After a fateful near-miss, an assassin battles his employers and himself on an international manhunt he insists isn’t personal. David Fincher directs. Michael Fassbender stars. In select theaters and on Netflix November 10. Watch the trailer on YouTube.
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